Allegra's Trans Experience

On April 15, 2023, I put on a crop top for the very first time.

I spent years walking past the women’s section of clothing stores, eyeing the various tops, short shorts, skirts, bras and dresses, wondering how I would look wearing them. But I was so afraid to try one on. I was worried that people would think I’m weird and bully me, or at least no longer accept me.

Until I finally took the plunge, and bought myself my first crop top and pair of short shorts. I wore them outside for a day. And it was the best day of my life.

I felt happier, more free, and more myself than I had ever felt in my life. Sure, I did feel nervous and exposed. But I loved it. I finally felt like I could break free of society’s masculine expectations of me and the toxic “modesty” culture my parents had forced on me. And my friends absolutely loved it, and gave me lots of compliments on it. Not just my fit, but the sheer happiness I felt wearing it. Little did I know that feeling was gender euphoria.

I didn’t know I was a woman right away, but that day still set me on a new path of self-discovery that led to me coming out and living my truth as the trans woman I am today.

Before that, I spent so many years trying to perform masculinity for my parents, my track coaches, my peers, and the world in general. I walked around my college campus, talking to and hugging my friends (that were almost exclusively non-men, I might add), but never feeling like I truly belonged. I wanted nothing more than to be one of the girls, but I was too afraid to explain that feeling to anyone. I was just learning to understand my own thoughts and figure out who I am, and I had no idea how the people around me would take it.

It took me so many years to even learn the meaning of the word “transgender”. When I was in high school, and my childhood ex-friend’s sister Brooke came out as a trans girl, I was fascinated that someone could do that. Deep down, I wanted to transition too. But I had no idea I even could. I thought it was impossible for me. I heard stories of parents kicking their gay kids out of the house for coming out to them, and even though my parents never really talked about it, I was afraid my parents would do that to me too. And I had every right to be. The first time I ever heard the word “transgender” was my father making a joke at trans people’s expense. But I always knew there was something different about me. I just didn’t know what yet.

When I started college, I finally started making sense of who I was. I took a class my freshman year about LGBTQ+ identities and media representation, and my world opened up immensely. I met so many new people with so many different identities and backgrounds, and I loved hearing what they had to say. It opened my mind up to the idea that I might be queer too, or even trans.

Through making queer friends and learning to critically analyze media, I also learned to deconstruct my own sense of masculinity and the messages I was being given. I started by trying to define masculinity for myself, but then I realized something crucial.

I hated being a man.

For me, manhood was a prison made from other people’s expectations. And it kept me from forming the kinds of friendships and relationships I wanted. I knew I liked girls, but most of the time I just wanted to be friends with them. More than that, I wanted to BE one of them. I wanted the same kind of friendships that they had with each other. And I wanted a romance that was free of gender norms. And I thought I could never achieve that.

But after spending a summer experimenting with fashion and existing outside of masculine gender norms, I realized that I had no internal sense of masculinity at all. My entire sense of masculinity was fabricated by the outside expectations of my parents, childhood Boy Scout leaders, ex friends/girlfriends, and cross-country and track coaches.

I knew there would be no space for gender diversity in many of my old spaces. So on October 12th, 2023, National Coming Out Day, after seven years of competitive running, I left my college cross-country team, and experimented with he/they pronouns. I used the genderfluid label for a few months and tried to explore that identity, but every time I looked in the mirror, I felt more and more feminine. It was like something inside me was screaming louder and louder, begging to be heard. And then I tried on a new dress while going shopping that March, and said out loud to myself:

“Oh my gosh, I’m a beautiful woman!”

I had first started thinking I might be a woman three months earlier, but I was afraid to be open about it back then. Because I was still expected to pretend to be a man around my family and my then-girlfriend’s family, and she was afraid to be with a woman, especially a trans woman.

But after I finally confirmed it, there was no going back. I felt happier than ever as a woman. And I was not about to spend the rest of my life hiding that, even if my partner and parents wanted me to. This was my life, and I had to live it.

I came out publicly on March 31st, 2024, on Trans Day of Visibility. I made an Instagram post, and introduced myself with my new and improved name: Allegra Fanta.

In Italian, the name Allegra means joyful, or happy. And that’s why I chose it. So I could always remember and embody the joy I feel to this day from getting to finally be myself. And now, after 20 months of being out and 17 months on HRT, I still feel that joy. I love being a trans woman, and nothing can take that away from me.

Sure, I had to end several relationships over this. I lost many friends, and had to break up with my girlfriend at the time and even cut ties with my father. They refused to love and support me for me, but still didn’t want to let me go either. They were likely afraid of losing control, or thought that if they just tried hard enough the old version of me would come back. But what they didn’t understand was that this is the real me, and there was no going back.

And as much as I lost, I gained plenty more. My remaining friends supported me that much harder, and even became my chosen family. They were there for me during the highs and lows of my transition, and helped me find my way forward even when everything seemed hopeless. It’s thanks to them, and my own willingness to keep on fighting, that I’ve been able to keep going. And in times where trans people’s rights and lives are under attack and AI slop is all over the Internet, it’s especially important for authentic trans voices to be heard and listened to.

That’s why I’m here. I want to be a writer, and I want to share my story so everyone knows that trans people do exist. I’ve been fighting my whole life, and I’m gonna keep fighting until we can all live our truth in a world free of oppression. I encourage you all to join me. But first, let me properly introduce myself.

Hi everyone. I’m Allegra, and my pronouns are she/her. Nice to meet you.