Allegra's Trans Experience

Romance may be exciting. But friendship is just as loving and meaningful, if you do it right.

When I was in college, as soon as things opened up and more and more people got vaccinated against COVID, I started wearing a pin saying “Free Hugs (if you’re vaccinated).” I would always offer hugs to anyone I hung out with, and I became known for that. I met several of my best friends that way. I hosted movie nights too since I didn’t have much interest in partying and drinking, and wanted to build community elsewhere. My friends loved it, and I was happy to support them.

That being said, however, I was a people-pleaser, and there were a few people who took advantage of my acts of kindness. They would go to me for all their emotional needs, but when I needed their support, they made excuses and complained that it was too hard for them. I stayed with them out of fear that they would hurt me, or that their problems they frequently reminded me about would get worse. And the worst part was, every time this happened, it was someone who either had romantic feelings for me, or was already dating me. And they only fell in love with their idealized version of me, not the real me who was buried inside.

I grew up with a dysfunctional family that taught me I had to perform to be loved, and as a result, I was afraid that expressing my needs too much would label me a manipulator, or that I would end up putting someone else through what I have. So it made sense that some would try to put me on a pedestal and think of me as some savior who met all their needs and didn’t need reciprocation. Or, like the one who would replace their father. (This was before I came out as a trans woman).

This was the reason I left my first two romantic relationships. It’s also one of the biggest problems with the common narrative of romance. Many of us are conditioned by modern media to believe that we have to find “the one”, and that this one person (who is almost always the opposite gender from you) will fix all of your problems and take care of all of your needs. As a result of that, a lot of people, especially straight people and gay/bisexual people that struggle with compulsory heteronormativity (or comphet for short), will base their entire social lives on finding a partner. Once they do, they will end up either manipulating them, or getting manipulated themselves. Before I transitioned, I found myself in these relationship dynamics a lot, since I didn’t fully know who I was when I wasn’t helping others.

But when I came out as trans, I broke that cycle. I found my own sense of self. And when my family and ex refused to properly support me, my friends stepped up. They didn’t just support me, they celebrated me.

My friends wanted to see me grow. They hugged me and told me they were proud of me, and that I was a very pretty girl, and that they loved me. They truly made me feel like the real me belonged with them. And they made an effort to see me and spend time with me when they could. Because they loved the real me, not just the version of me they initially met. Many of them could tell I was a girl even before I could!

A lot of people see friends as placeholders in their social life, or just people they hang out with out of convenience. But real friendship is a lot more intimate and requires a lot more commitment than that. Real friends show up and support you. They take time out of their day to be with you. They make an effort to truly know you and be there for you, and make you feel loved. They’re not just there to play catch-up and share drinks, they’re there to truly connect with you and make life more enjoyable and memorable.

Most people don’t know how to forge such a connection with anyone but their romantic partner. But it is possible to have platonic relationships that are just as strong and loving, as long as you and your friends are all committed to it. And we need it more than we realize, especially those of us who didn’t grow up with supportive or loving families. For us, if we let them, our friends can become the best family we’ve ever had. And we need that in our lives. Because that might be the only place where we truly feel seen and loved.

Whenever I spend time with close friends, I’m incredibly sappy. I go out of my way to let them know how much they mean to me. I make plans with them and consider them. I hug them and tell them I’m so grateful they’re here and that I love them. Because I do. I love them just as much as anyone I date. I just don’t want to kiss them or have s*x with them. But that doesn’t mean they mean any less to me. I don’t think of romance as more than friendship, just different.

My friends are the reason I believe in love, both platonic and romantic. In fact, I like to fall a little bit in love with all my close friends. Not in an “I want to date them” kind of way, but in a “I find them so cool and they inspire me so much, anyone would be lucky to have them in their lives” kind of way. But if a friend I felt particularly close to were to ask me out, and we were both in the right headspace, I wouldn’t object. After all, who could make a better life partner than a best friend?

The point is, friendships can be so much more intimate than we realize. Not as in “friends with benefits”, but as in close emotional safety. Healthy and emotionally safe friendships can even help you heal and learn to rest when you’re exhausted or hurt. You can take friends out on dates, cook dinner for them, have long and deep conversations, do a marathon of your favorite show together, and even cuddle with them if you all feel safe enough and consent to it!

I’m not saying you should demand romantic relationship benefits from your friends. Of course you should still clearly define whether a relationship is romantic or platonic. I’m saying that friendships can be just as meaningful if both parties put real effort into them. And when you’re with friends that treat you like family, you learn what healthy relationships really look like. That’ll help you learn to love not just those friends, but yourself, and your current or future partner, even better.

Although this post has primarily been about friendship, I also value romance a lot too. But I don’t want my partner to save me. I want my partner to grow with me. In fact, I would love for my future partner to be part of my chosen family too. We don’t necessarily need to start out as friends, but I consider it a huge green flag for them to value their friendships and treat our friends like family too. Learning to rely on more people than just one romantic partner for support doesn’t mean your relationship is weaker. On the contrary, it means the relationship is stronger than ever. Because that way, both of you can approach the relationship as your authentic selves and develop a deeper level of trust and intimacy that is only possible once you learn to do so.

I’ve always been obsessed with media that features the chosen/found family trope, most notably shows like Avatar: The Last Airbender and Heartstopper. Both of those shows feature groups of friends that come together to support one another, as well as romantic relationships that develop between certain members of the group. They don’t portray romance as more or less important than friendship, but instead paint both as parts of a greater whole, leading to healthier and more loving dynamics throughout the entire group. While Heartstopper may have a more central focus on the romance between Charlie Spring and Nick Nelson, the two also have a solid group of mostly queer friends that regularly express their love for one another and make each other feel safe.

Honestly, I’ve always wanted to have a close group of friends like the ones featured in those shows, or the various fiction novels I’ve read and role-playing video games I’ve played. And I’m not the only one who wants that. But to have those friendships, you need to be that friend. Think about that before you cancel plans with someone you know out of tiredness, tell them you’re busy without following up, or ignore a message from them. Obviously you should reschedule if you’re feeling sick or swamped with work, but you don’t always have to show up as your best self. Your best friends will love to see you whether you have a face full of makeup or just rolled out of bed, whether you’re jubilant and happy or tired and sad. They will want you there. But you have to make that effort for them.

So make those plans. Show up on time. Put your phone away when you’re with them. Ask them to do things with you. Make it known that you want them to be there. Actively choose to spend time with them. And if they’re not willing to reciprocate, that’s on them, and someone else will. But when someone does, hold them tight. Keep them close to you. Do that, and you will feel happier than ever.