Allegra's Trans Experience

For me, happy endings aren’t just about romance. I don’t believe that there’s one person out there who will completely solve all my problems and make me completely happy forever.

Most women are sold this narrative growing up- that their entire worth as a human being depends on a man’s approval. Hundreds of thousands of stories we’re told, from the Disney adaptation of The Little Mermaid to the box-standard Hallmark Christmas movies, teach young children that heterosexual romance should be prized above all other kinds of relationships, and that being in one is the only way to be happy. Young girls are taught to obsess over and sacrifice their dreams for men, and young boys are taught that women are objects to be won and owned. This is where the real indoctrination happens.

Because in real life, entering these dynamics almost never ends happily.

I’ve talked about my own experience with unhealthy heteronormative relationship dynamics in my past blog entries, and how they often lead to codependency, manipulation, and even abuse. The narratives we’re sold in the majority of heterosexual love stories, the glamorization of suburban life, the rollback of women’s and LGBTQIA+ rights and denial of our healthcare, and the popularization of “tradwife” culture all have the end goal of keeping women trapped. As Chappell Roan sings in her 2023 hit Femininomenon, “Stuck in the suburbs, you’re folding his laundry, got what you wanted so stop feeling sorry.”

After all, “tradwives” are constantly used for their physical and emotional labor, and are never compensated for that. At most, they’re praised for doing everything their husbands say and acting like their mothers and servants, and only given scraps of love and care when everything is done “right”. They have little to no outside support, and nowhere to go. In the end, they spend the rest of their lives as shells of themselves, losing the will to live their own lives and standing by helplessly as their husband relentlessly abuses their children. Even if we haven’t gone through it ourselves, many women have seen this happen far too many times- in their families, with their friends, everywhere.

The majority of cis straight men are still taught to want this, and do whatever it takes to enjoy the benefits of patriarchy, even at the expense of other people. They expect everything to be catered to them and see people who decenter them as a threat. That’s why they often target and attack lesbians and trans women. Lesbians and bi/pan women who date women experience romantic love and sex without a man being involved at all, and trans women willingly denounce manhood entirely to live as our authentic selves. We’re living proof that their outdated and oppressive gender roles are not nearly as natural or innate as they’ve taught us to believe. Most cis straight men have their entire sense of masculinity rooted in these roles and in oppressing others, and they have no idea who they are outside of that. They feel threatened, and afraid that they’re going to disappear. Then, they lash out.

On top of that, right-wing “manosphere” content turns plenty of unsuspecting young boys and men into the worst of us before anyone bothers to teach them critical thinking skills. Media literacy is a necessary skill that so many people today lack. And in the peak of the digital age and over-reliance on AI, we need it more than ever. Think about that the next time you’re tempted to ask ChatGPT to solve a problem for you. If that’s not enough to convince you, then take a look at how much water that chatbot is wasting!

While some content creators contribute to the right-wing misinformation machine and make tradwife/manosphere content for views, plenty of women today are learning to decenter men and male romantic validation, to a degree that we haven’t seen before. The patriarchy itself is going through an extinction burst. Modern-day inclusive feminism is teaching women how to discover and be themselves, and as a result, many are realizing they don’t need a man at all.

For me though, as a trans woman, decentering men was less about learning that I didn’t need to like men or want to date them and more about learning that I didn’t need to be one. Although it took me a year after I came out to feel comfortable calling myself a lesbian, I still knew I’d rather date women than men. Because I love womanhood itself. Womanhood, to me, is freedom.

As a lesbian, too, I have a much more positive view of romance than I once did. Knowing that I could not just fall in love with a woman, but be loved as a woman, made me want to fall in love even more. I still hope to build a happy, loving, lesbian romance with a partner who’s emotionally available and will rise to meet me in the future. And of course I will rise to meet her/them as well. But that’s only one kind of happy ending for me.

Another kind of happy ending for me is close friendship. I’ve also talked before about just how loving and powerful friendship can be if done right, and how much I love my friends. My friends are family to me, and I make time for them whenever I can. However, they tend to be very busy and all in different places in adult life, and I’ve also struggled with feeling like I truly belong in one particular group of friends. As supportive as they are, it also takes a lot more effort to make time for your friends once you’re no longer in school together all the time. Especially when they don’t all live in the same town.

But lately I’ve gotten more in touch with my own need to be loved, and to feel like I belong. That’s a need we all share. And our friends can still make us feel that way. Having a close group of friends that treat me like family is something I’ve always dreamed of.

Finally, the kind of happy ending we all need is to live in a more liberated world, where our rights and lives are never up for debate. I want to live in a world where my neighbors aren’t being kidnapped, where no governments wage war or genocide, and where everyone has the freedom, the resources, and the love to blossom into their true selves. I want trans kids to grow up and transition the way they want to. I want children in general to grow up without being controlled or abused. I want Black and Brown immigrants to be able to build the lives they dream of. I want to see a free Palestine and no billionaires. I know it’s not possible to have an entirely perfect world, but I know it’s possible to build a better one.

Most importantly, happy endings are beginnings too. When one door closes, another door opens. One thing ending in your life doesn’t mean your story is over, but that a new chapter is about to begin. On top of that, I’ve found that a lot of us face different struggles at different points in our lives, but none of them last forever. So a “happy ending” could be as small as one struggle ending. One person finally being loved fully as themselves after years of emotional neglect. Or escaping a harmful or abusive relationship. Or getting into their dream school or job. It could even be someone making it through the day, or the month, or the year, when they thought their lives were surely over.

So no, happy endings may not be “happily ever after”, but they sure as heck are worth celebrating.