Allegra's Trans Experience

Why did I go through all of college post-COVID vaccinations wearing a sign saying “Free Hugs”?

Because none of us get enough hugs these days. So many of us are conditioned to only show close affection or do any gesture other than a short two-second or side hug with our families and romantic partners. And honestly, it’s destroying us.

When I first came out as a trans woman, it was long, tight hugs and genuinely kind words from my friends that made me feel safe and loved. While most of them were not trans themselves, they knew that coming out as trans was an awfully hard thing to do. So they hugged me, told me that they loved me and were so proud of me, and celebrated my transition to womanhood with me. But if I hadn’t connected with them through my own love of hugs and offered to hold them through their tough times, I likely wouldn’t have had such a strong and loving chosen family at that time. So I believe that we need to normalize close platonic physical affection too.

I’m not saying we should all go cheat on our partners. I’m saying that we, as humans, are wired for connection. And for many of us, touch is an essential part of that, no matter what your relationship with the people in your life. While there are plenty of people who are not as comfortable with physical affection and everyone has their own boundaries surrounding it, it is still important to many of us in building relationships and feeling safe in your community.

Since we humans came to be, we’ve huddled together to keep each other warm. We’ve comforted each other and held each other in times of need or distress. Our bodies were literally designed to fit into each other’s embraces. Our hands were shaped to hold other hands. We’ve shared our interests and things we love with others around us so we can bond with them. Even food seems to taste better when we eat with people that make us feel safe. So why did we stop doing this?

Long story short, it’s the patriarchy.

(TW: child ab*se)

Patriarchy, white supremacy, capitalism, and religious extremism weaponized affection, along with all other aspects of a thriving community, against humanity. From a young age, those assigned male at birth are taught that affection is a prize to be won, and those assigned female at birth are taught that they owe it to the man they will eventually marry and the children they will eventually have. The purity culture enforced by these systems of power conditioned us to reserve love and affection for our given families and romantic partners, and thus have no other loved ones to go to if and when said families/partners abuse us.

Subsequently, the patriarchy’s overemphasis on blood/given family stripped us of our perceived autonomy surrounding touch and affection. As kids, many of us are forced to hug our relatives even when we don’t want to. We’re taught that our bodies are public property, and since “they’re family”, our relatives can violate our boundaries whenever they want to, and endanger or abandon us if we dare to resist.

But then, when we deal with strong emotions or do not perform to the expectations of our parents or other authority figures, they take away the affection we sorely need. In fact, they insult and criticize us for daring to have feelings or needs at all, and tell us we don’t even deserve to be loved, that we’re somehow too much and not enough at the same time. And unless we escape and allow ourselves to forge new connections and heal from what hurt us, we live the rest of our lives believing that and continuing the cycle.

Obviously not all families are like this. But too many children still carry the scars from growing up with those that are. And it’s the patriarchy’s fault.

Those of us who grow up in unsafe environments also end up believing that we are all alone in this world and can only rely on ourselves. And as a result of that, we lose the capacity to come together and make the change we need. Living under a rugged capitalist system, on top of that, makes it even harder due to constant financial stress, rising costs of living spaces, food, and all other living essentials, and nearly all necessary community resources being hoarded by billionaires and locked behind steep paywalls. We are actively being priced out of community.

So how does affection from those outside your given family help?

While it may not completely cure trauma or mental illnesses, or any crisis situations we find ourselves in, genuine affection from any friend, loved one, or even a kind stranger you just shared a deep conversation with is still essential to our healing. Even a slightly longer and tighter hug helps both you and the other person feel so much safer and more loved than we would be otherwise. Combine that with a few sappy words, like “I love you”, “I’m so happy you’re here”, “Come here”, “I’ve got you, you’re safe with me”, and literally anything else you or the other person needs to hear, and you both feel a whole lot safer, happier, and more empowered!

Not only that, but hugs, cuddles, kisses, and other kinds of non-sexual physical affection are all free. It’s impossible for a corporation to buy that up, or for a tyrannical ruler to completely control it. That’s why they try to manipulate us into reserving that affection for given families and heterosexual romantic partners, and why they’re afraid of close platonic friendships, same-sex romantic relationships, and literally any close relationship with a trans person. They’re afraid of us coming together. And when you combine affection with the loved ones you choose with consistent communication and quality time together, you all do exactly that: come together.

Learning to hold, cuddle, cherish, and take care of our chosen families in the ways we all need it is just about the most revolutionary thing we humans can do. Healthy and loving physical touch shows not just our minds, but our bodies too, that we are safe, loved, enough, and not alone. It helps us be more vulnerable with our loved ones. And we need that. We can’t be strong all the time. In fact, those of us who seem the strongest often need that love and affection the most. We need to hear AND feel that we don’t have to be strong all the time.

On top of that, if we withhold touch from our friends and see it as exclusively romantic, we only grow apart from our friends and more desperate for romance. And thus, we end up in toxic relationships, expecting our partners to parent us. We forget that true friends can and will love us just as much as our partners, just in a different way. Not lesser, just different.

Personally, I’ve learned to value friendship and romance equally, and that I am allowed to want both romantic and platonic affection. As a trans lesbian, I’ve also learned that loving your friends and building trust and mutual emotional support with them only enhances my ability to passionately love the person I’m dating, and vice versa. I consider both friends and romantic partners as part of my greater chosen family. I focus very hard on all forms of healthy relationships in my life because I dream of building exactly that with the people I love. That’s why I’m so affectionate with my friends. That’s why I hug them and tell them I love them. Not only because I think they might need it, but because I need it too. I’m doing it for all of us, including myself.

Of course, affection needs to be paired with other things. We need to share our food, water, and other resources with each other, do our work together, and help each other learn new things and grow into our best selves. But affection and warm, loving kindness build up the trust needed to make that happen. And as long as we communicate with one another and turn to our friends and greater villages we build, we can practice that affection without creating codependency or relying on one person to be our therapist or parent figure. By taking care of and embracing each other, we will create a world that embraces all of us for all that we are.

That’s why I love hugs. Because I want to create that kind of world.